According to the classic Betty Crocker cookbook, the recipe to raise a child is simple:
- Combine hot food, dry shelter, pet dogs, braces, a broken nose, the occasional new pair of shoes, and 1 cup milk.
- Bake the mixture at 98.6°F for 18 years.
- Let hormones cool for 10 years and ...
- PRESTO!, you've got a well-rounded human being!
- Let rest for five minutes before carving and serving.
The cookbook notes that baking time may vary and warns that "adding too many optional ingredients" may spoil the results.
We followed Betty's recipe with great attention, but something wasn't quite right with Simon. There was a vacancy in his eyes, an emptiness in his soul, a weakness in his heart.
Then we realized the magnitude of our parental neglect!!
We missed an ingredient!
We forgot to take Simon to Jellystone National Park!
Eager for a recipe redo, we invited Simon to join us for a week's springtime tour of the world's first national park!
Are you all vaxxed up and feeling better about, well, everything!!?
Grab a cup of your favorite nearly post-pandemic beverage and join us on Simon's excellent adventure, Jellystone Completes Me!, presented in the ever popular Picture-n-CaptionTM format.
Pssst ... Don't forget to pack your pick-a-nick basket!
As we raised Simon, we warned him incessantly about the Mole People under his bed. He remains very frightened of them to this day ... as should you.
- Understandably, bison (very large cattle, but in disguise) decide it's easier to walk on the highway or ...
- Photographers with very long lenses are taking pictures of a distant bear!
At this time, please join me in the gutter by reading paragraph three of this Wyoming Magazine post.
Fun Fact: Simon giggled all the way back to our motel. All I had to do was say "Tetons!"
- Here's the word problem:
- If you dropped Simon off at the Seward Peninsula and made him walk barefoot along the very crest of the Great Divide to the tip of South America with only two candy bars - one an Almond Joy and the other a Mounds bar - how many miles would he have walked?
- Here's the only rule: You have to send me an email citing your source and the number of miles.
- The first reader to send a plausible and verifiable answer wins something BIG!
Johnny didn't learn to read when he was a kid. To Johnny, a warning sign was just a thing with squiggles on it. Johnny's parents didn't love him ... and sadly, Johnny was never seen again.
In contrast, the following night we went to The Branch. For $17, I had the best fish and chips ever ... AND was able to substitute the chips and coleslaw with a side Caesar salad and the Veg du Jour. OK, it wasn't really fish and chips any more, but when in doubt, go to The Branch!
Simon was disappointed that we didn't give him a train like this one when he was a kid. We reminded him that we gave him a Thomas the Tank Engine train, Thomas the Tank Engine books, and he watched the Thomas the Tank Engine TV show ad nauseum!
- Thomas the Tank Engine is nothing! If you want "ad nauseum," imagine watching Gumbie: The Movie every day as we did in Simon's formative years! For months!
- It didn't matter. This masterpiece of stop-action cinematography had young Simon's seal of approval.
- I dare you to watch Gumbie: The Movie in its entirety. I DOUBLE DOG DARE you!
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But wait! There's MORE! It's time for the ...